Mary Jane

I didn't cry. I said I wouldn't. I said they'd never see me cry.
That's why I didn't cry. Breakups suck.. especially when you really saw yourself with that person for a long time. When you thought everything was going great. And then bam.

But I'm not gonna write a whole blog about break-ups. Actually ironic enough for those of you who are close enough to me to know the situation, tonight I write about marijuana, weed, bud, or as I prefer to call it mary jane.

I am proud to say that I believe in the legalization of marijuana.

The government has no right to regulate what goes into my body. That is my choice. Especially when what I'm consuming is not harmful to my body. Obesity kills millions every year but the government has no right to regulate our food intake. I'm not a dimwit. I know that we don't need to smoke marijuana in order to survive- though it does make it easier- and food is a necessity but if that's your argument what about..

Alcohol. Legal to buy and consume by anyone age 21 or older yet there are hundreds of thousands of deaths every year attributed to alcohol.

How many record deaths are attributed to marijuana? 0.

Don't be brainwashed. If the government's concern for our safety was one of the core considerations in the "war on drugs" would that make any sense? 40% of all deaths due to accidental falls, 45% of all deaths in automobile accidents, and 60% of all homicides are attributed to alcohol.

The main reason, I honestly believe, why the government has yet to legalize marijuana is because they are making more money as is. For instance, if marijuana is illegal and somebody is charged with possession of it, they will go to court. Usually, because it is more socially acceptable than it used to be, and depending on the state, you will get off with community service and a large fine. Whereas if the government were to legalize marijuana, there would be no way to tax it.

Alright, that's all I have to say about that.
No, I have a lot more to say but that's all I can say for now.
Goodnight. Smoke on.

As of late..

I'm a simple person. I don't have a lot of nice, fancy words for you. All I have is this. My words. And they aren't brilliant. And if I tried to make them out to be I swear it would be a lost cause.

So here I am. This is my story.
As of late anyways..

My name is Julie. I'm not that pretty but I'm pretty easy to figure out. I don't usually have much of anything interesting to say, but I love to talk. And I love to listen. I'm as loyal to you as you are to me. I like to party.. a lot. I don't have many talents. People think I sing pretty well and I have a good time doing it. I'm good at partying. I like to think and say that I'm a fairly nice person but in all honesty most people probably wouldn't consider me one. When it comes to my friends, I'm as understanding as they come.. but when it comes to a stranger all it takes is a couple words to get me riled up.. and I will fight. I have and I will.

Sometimes I wish it were easier for me to cry but my body just doesn't produce tears most of the time unless I feel like I've lost something near and dear to me. If I get angry.. I want to hit something. I wish the peace sign I stuck to my car could be more than just a magnet to me and the one I wear around my neck; more than just a piece of jewelry. Josh stole that peace magnet for me. Aleks stole the diamond. And I stole the brass knuckles. Theives. I'm a theif.

Recently I met a bunch of people.. and they've changed my life forever.

Six months ago, to the date, I was laying in my dorm room.. alone. I had been without company or food for a week. I felt like I was dying- and maybe I was. I was alone in another country. I thought I had it all figured out. I had been dating a guy for a while and it was serious. I thought eventually I would marry him. I moved there- mostly for him. I told my parents it was for college.

There I was- laying in my dorm room. No company, no food, and I was sure I had lost my soul as well somewhere along the way.. I had no tears. It wasn't the emotion that killed my soul- but the lack of it. I had left all my friends and family and everything I knew at home for him. And he broke me. I swore he never would, but he did. In my effort to continue with a normal life in a country where I was literally completely alone, I found a friend. He was what most would consider to be an attractive man- tall, dark hair, light eyes, a smile that lit up the room, and he had the greatest sense of humour I've ever known. But I wasn't attracted to his looks or humour or anything really. I found a friend in him. He listened. He was there. And that's all I needed.

His name was Brad. He would bang on my dorm room window with a rain pipe.. every night he did this. I don't know if anyone really knew how close we were- how we would sit on the school's rooftop and drink malibu rum right out of the bottle in the freezing cold and we would talk about everything. Every last thing on our minds. He was the only guy who ever held me to keep me warm waiting in line and yelled "I swear she's not my girl! This is my sister!!" And I mean yelled. I loved Brad.

Monday, October 6th, 2008 Brad committed suicide by train. Those same tracks we drank by- the ones we walked and the ones where a friendship was formed. He was all I had. And what a loss to the world. What a loss to his friends and his family. And all I had was lost. And I was alone and ready to die. I walked those tracks the next day. It rained all day.. and the sun.. it was completely covered until the evening when the sun set. And it was the most glorious sunset you'd ever see. In the plains of rural Manitoba, Canada.. it was glorious. The sky cried on us. And then the sun set for him.

I stayed there until mid-December. When I came home I was completely changed. I was literally emotionless. And I wanted nothing more than to feel something again- to feel love, joy, happiness. But all I could feel was anger and bitterness. This affected every area of my life. I couldn't find any man attractive, I couldn't say I love you to my parents and mean it the same, and I couldn't even hang out with the people I used to hang out with because their God was no longer my God.. and that changed everything with them.

In all honesty the ones who are the strongest are the ones who can push past life's trials and come out with the ability to love and give and be themselves... and if that's the case, then my fighting is just a means of proving that I have at least some amount of strength. That's honesty.

March 6th I decided I needed to do something. I called Jessica York. This girl changed my life. I met up with her and she had four guys with her- Josh Bosworth, Aleks Goodson, Cass Brazell, and Zach Biggs. Through these people I met an amazing group of people that have changed my life for the better. Josh Bosworth is my boyfriend. Aleks Goodson is my freaking best guy friend. And Cass Brazell and Zach Biggs are like brothers to me. I wish I knew how to put all of this better. I wish I had more important words. But this is it. I have amazing friends- and they're my family pretty much.

I'm slowly remembering how to feel the good emotions again and I'm learning how to embrace them instead of pushing them away. I'm learning that not everybody has bad intentions and some people actually do care about me. I'm learning how to be alive again each and every day. You caught me at the most confusing, most intriguing, and most alive time of my life. Please don't let me go.

This is me- as of late.