what a life..

Yesterday was quite possibly one of the longest days of my life. Also probably one of the most confusing.

I woke up to a house full of people who had spent the night after a party at my house with waaaay more beer than people. The night before, everyone was drunk. At one point Dingman and I used my nephew's kiddie pool as a boat in my pool and sang the "I'm on a Boat" song. A guy was running around butt-ass naked, somebody changed my desktop background to Brokeback Mountain, my screen door probably popped out about 10 times from intoxicated people falling or walking through it, I think I tripped over my dog more than that because she wouldn't leave my side - Josh saved her quite a few times from the brunt of my drunk stumbling, and the morning after, there was definitely a mess to clean up.

After I woke up I made breakfast with Matt Dempsy- probably the most delicious salami-cheese eggs ever. Maybe the only salami eggs ever. And somebody was generous and decided to leave a 24oz. of budweiser in my fridge. Beer and eggs. :)

And then last night was amazing.. and confusing.. I'm always confused. But I'm also falling. I heard those go hand in hand. And I'm ok with that. But I won't let it lose it's meaning. Even if that only makes sense to me.

Inevitable?

I miss the days I shared with all of you. We slept wherever and partied every day. We were a family. What happened to our family? I miss you guys.

God, I miss those days.

Roll over, baby..

Look at me.

I'm taken under by a wave.. a beautiful wave of blue and green, accented by the most vibrant angel white. And for a second, I dare not even look.. because when I'm under I can't breathe. Drowning in your eyes and melting in your arms.

Sinking into the ocean, you're above me now. You pull me up to you. And nights like this are why life is worth living. It's why I keep breathing.. to know that we have the ability to feel this way when our world is crashing down around us.

Look at me.
Bring on the end of the world.

fail.

So Laura came up today from Charleston to get a puppy.

We went to the flea market and she got a little poodle. Then we brought it to the river, lit up, layed out, and decided on our matching tats. Pretty good day. Until I suddenly came to the realization that I left my wallet in her car while we were hanging out and she drove all the way back to Charleston before I realized it was gone. So tonight I'll be driving down to the beautiful city to get it back.

It's cool, though. Aleks and Junior are going to accompany me in my car, which I finally paid off. Party ride.
Should be a good time.

sometimes..

you meet really cool people. Sometimes you meet one genuinely good person that makes you reconsider if humans are all bad. I met one of those people Thursday at a random dance party at NBT. And he absolutely makes my little heart melt.

Last night I realized that I was happier in a house partying with a bunch of people I didn't know (amazing people, by the way) than I've been in a while. We drank, we smoked, played beer pong, and sat on the screened in porch talking, went to Sonic and sat with Josh W. in his truck for over an hour talking about life in general. I listened to his music, ate a burger (which he paid for- nice for a change. I'm always paying for my own stuff.) Then we went back to the house and partied the rest of the night. And at the end of the night he walked me back to my car.

It was a good time. Life can be ok sometimes.

Today is my dad's birthday and my whole family will be over tonight. Jason, my sister's fiance, is cooking steak (cuz he's a champ), and my mom made her famous (at least famous in our family) lemon poundcake. Which is the best thing in the world to come home to when you're munching out, by the way. I'm just enjoying spending time with them. I don't do that enough anymore.

New Tattoo

I was clawing his arm while the most frustrating sound was resounding between my ears. I'd been waiting what seemed to be forever and it was finally time. It hurt so bad but felt so good. Like a knife dragging good electricity through my skin. And I looked in his eyes. Those deep blue eyes always brought me some kind of peace. I knew him once. He was home to me.. and love.

To find love again

To know love..

Take only what you need from me.

between here and there.

My words are weak.
But my heart is strong.

Useless drunken late-night apologies. My compliments and all of my promises are as good as acid. At this point, I'd do anything. But when I can hardly even make out what's around or in front of me, what in the world am I doing looking back? Surround me in yourself and even if I am to suffocate I swear I won't say a word. Speak truth to my soul- so I will know it's there.

The house.. seems like that's the only thing on my mind lately. I have enough money now and it's definitely happening. No doubt about it. So if anybody has any furniture they don't need hit up one of us- me, Laura, or Jessica.

I miss having a safe place. Safe arms.
I want a relationship with somebody who I can relate with.
And I want it to last.