Love, me.

Dear...,

Do any of you even miss me? Honestly.. all the hours I poured into our friendships.. all the conversations that seemed as if they'd go on forever. The trust we put in each other. We prayed over our every struggle. We held each other. We talked about God then. And we walked with him too.

I saw you all not so long ago. Seems as if I'm the only one who's really changed. It's sort of sad in a way. Because if I were to come back, I doubt you'd even take me. And once you did, you would probably never listen to a thing I said. Because I'm a hypocrite. And a sinner.

Intolerence. Many people say Christianity is a religion of intolerence. But I think that it doesn't really matter what people think anymore. All I know is I miss you guys. I didn't think I would.. but I do. All of you.

Love,
Me.

i'm sorry and thank you.

Before anything, I'll give an overdue apology. You know who you are.

I'll stop saying I'm a victim of circumstance and take full responsibility for my actions. I'm sorry I hurt you. It wasn't your fault and you were enough. You were more than enough and I took you for granted. It was a confusing time, as if that matters at all. You deserved better anyways. But you should know that I did love you and for those four weeks, I felt like luck was finally on my side. For those four weeks, thank you.

A lot has changed since the last time I took the time to sit down and write.

Since then, I have hurt a lot of people. But mostly I've hurt myself. I let my own wants and needs take over, and in order to obtain what I deemed neccessary I was willing to do whatever. And in doing so, I was able to move into an apartment with Jessica and pretty much party every day. But I lost more than I gained. I lost the respect of family and friends, some friends altogether, any interest whatsoever in helping others before myself, and religion as well. But mostly I lost respect for myself.

As far as depression goes.. let's not even go there.

I met someone named Russell about a month ago. He doesn't drink, smoke, party, or anything but he's a hard worker with a big heart and he'll show you as much respect as you show him. Not many people inquire on my past and considering most people who were in it didn't make it to the present.. I don't usually have need to discuss it. Well, he did.

So I told him. And I remembered how I used to be. Genuinely happy, in love with the world. He helped me to get back to that point. He helped me see that I could find another job and I would be so much better off doing so. And that's exactly what I did.

And I can't wait to see how this plays out..

what a life..

Yesterday was quite possibly one of the longest days of my life. Also probably one of the most confusing.

I woke up to a house full of people who had spent the night after a party at my house with waaaay more beer than people. The night before, everyone was drunk. At one point Dingman and I used my nephew's kiddie pool as a boat in my pool and sang the "I'm on a Boat" song. A guy was running around butt-ass naked, somebody changed my desktop background to Brokeback Mountain, my screen door probably popped out about 10 times from intoxicated people falling or walking through it, I think I tripped over my dog more than that because she wouldn't leave my side - Josh saved her quite a few times from the brunt of my drunk stumbling, and the morning after, there was definitely a mess to clean up.

After I woke up I made breakfast with Matt Dempsy- probably the most delicious salami-cheese eggs ever. Maybe the only salami eggs ever. And somebody was generous and decided to leave a 24oz. of budweiser in my fridge. Beer and eggs. :)

And then last night was amazing.. and confusing.. I'm always confused. But I'm also falling. I heard those go hand in hand. And I'm ok with that. But I won't let it lose it's meaning. Even if that only makes sense to me.

Inevitable?

I miss the days I shared with all of you. We slept wherever and partied every day. We were a family. What happened to our family? I miss you guys.

God, I miss those days.

Roll over, baby..

Look at me.

I'm taken under by a wave.. a beautiful wave of blue and green, accented by the most vibrant angel white. And for a second, I dare not even look.. because when I'm under I can't breathe. Drowning in your eyes and melting in your arms.

Sinking into the ocean, you're above me now. You pull me up to you. And nights like this are why life is worth living. It's why I keep breathing.. to know that we have the ability to feel this way when our world is crashing down around us.

Look at me.
Bring on the end of the world.

fail.

So Laura came up today from Charleston to get a puppy.

We went to the flea market and she got a little poodle. Then we brought it to the river, lit up, layed out, and decided on our matching tats. Pretty good day. Until I suddenly came to the realization that I left my wallet in her car while we were hanging out and she drove all the way back to Charleston before I realized it was gone. So tonight I'll be driving down to the beautiful city to get it back.

It's cool, though. Aleks and Junior are going to accompany me in my car, which I finally paid off. Party ride.
Should be a good time.

sometimes..

you meet really cool people. Sometimes you meet one genuinely good person that makes you reconsider if humans are all bad. I met one of those people Thursday at a random dance party at NBT. And he absolutely makes my little heart melt.

Last night I realized that I was happier in a house partying with a bunch of people I didn't know (amazing people, by the way) than I've been in a while. We drank, we smoked, played beer pong, and sat on the screened in porch talking, went to Sonic and sat with Josh W. in his truck for over an hour talking about life in general. I listened to his music, ate a burger (which he paid for- nice for a change. I'm always paying for my own stuff.) Then we went back to the house and partied the rest of the night. And at the end of the night he walked me back to my car.

It was a good time. Life can be ok sometimes.

Today is my dad's birthday and my whole family will be over tonight. Jason, my sister's fiance, is cooking steak (cuz he's a champ), and my mom made her famous (at least famous in our family) lemon poundcake. Which is the best thing in the world to come home to when you're munching out, by the way. I'm just enjoying spending time with them. I don't do that enough anymore.