All you need is love

Jon Lennon, smart man. Life is normal- or about as normal as it could be. I'm a body piercer, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I'm really good at something. And I love doing it. And I get paid for it!

This weekend I celebrated my 20th birthday. I wish I could remember the whole thing. Haha, but I do know that everybody had a good time and nothing bad happened. And a special somebody reminded me that we control our destiny. Ultimately, we are in control of where we live, what we do, who we are with, and how we conduct ourselves. So basically, I can and should do what I want to, and everyone else has that same right to decide for themselves.

Clayton is my motivation. He changed my life for the better. He worked long, hard hours to provide through my apprenticeship, he takes care of me when I'm sick, he pushed me to do so much good for myself, and loved me in the meantime. Words won't really do.

But I do have something to say to anybody who has ever tried to come between us. You can't stop love. It's all we need, and it's completely pure, and we have plenty of it. =)

the pursuit of happiness

These last couple of months, and especially since I took that 2 week vacation at the end of October, my life has completely made a turn. And it has been absolutely eye-opening. It's really breaking, mostly financially, to get away from some things.. especially the things that come so quickly and easily. It's difficult to remove yourself from that situation altogether.

I just knew I wasn't happy. All the money, adoration, or acceptant attitude from friends wasn't going to change that. But I was tough. Then, I began to fall in love and as my tough heart began to melt, it was beautiful, and I changed. I couldn't stomach it anymore. And the evident eventual realization set in. This wasn't getting me anywhere, and it was about time I made the decision to put in some hard work toward something worthwhile.

The things people say under their breath, to other people, or post on some anonymous forum don't affect me, because it's true. Put a title on me if it pleases you, but understand that part of my past is completely irrelevant to my life now, or any part of my future. Open to new things, and new possibilities, I am bound for a better, happier, more fulfilling life. And I couldn't ask for more.

someone got me.

I don't want to hurt anyone

But when nothing's secure, you have to look out for yourself first.

Maybe I'm just too optimistic when it comes to people. Or maybe I just over-evaluate everything. What we do doesn't always reflect who we are. Obviously, our actions are sometimes just reflections of our present motives, our wants at the current time- not always long-term. And who am I to withhold forgiveness from anybody considering everything?

I wish it could be simpler and we could all live and love in peace, sharing the resources that we have, all playing our part in helping each other. But it seems like everytime I get close to having that sort of a life, people start getting really lazy really fast. I suppose people who are willing to take and take until there's nothing left are people who have no shame. You'll never get anything back. And it seems like a time when commitment to love and even friendship is nearly non-existant. I'm so lucky to have someone who loves me, and somebody who shows it.

Right now I should be really happy. I'm making better choices for myself, beginning an apprenticeship in piercing next Monday, and for the first time in my life I'm with somebody who I absolutely adore in every way possible. And I will be completely satisfied with my life once I get this mess out of the way.

Establish yourself. Find your way. And don't stand in mine.

good people

So, times are changing. And for the better, I suppose. But you never really know. When you open yourself up and are exposed to new things I guess the risk of getting hurt or disappointed increases. But maybe I just got tired of using that as an excuse. Life changes and I change with it.

Spending some time away from Columbia really helped me to get my mind together. It's hard to do that when you're constantly surrounded.

Lately there have been a lot of people around my home and I love it. It's nice to just live life and have friends around. Cameron has pretty much moved in and Clayton's here a lot of the time. Erica's in Manning packing her stuff to come live here in the "cave" which is apparently just gonna be a bunch of tapestries hanging in my dining room area. We don't use the space anyways so we might as well put it to good use.

I've also been realizing how completely shitty some people are.. people who I used to respect and love. Some people just can't be trusted and it's not my responsibility to take care of everybody. That's one thing I'm so glad I opened my eyes to. I have to focus on what I need to do and stop trying to put others first, cuz in the real world that just doesn't work. If you've got you, you're alright.

I'm really looking forward to spending some time with my family this thanksgiving. I don't do enough of that and I feel like now that I provide for myself, I can see how hard it is. And I really don't see how they did it for 18 years. I know they just want what's best for me but I am my own person and I'm very definitely an individual when it comes to my family. No matter what happens though, a lot of my happiness depends on whether or not they are proud of me. And I know that lately they're not. Maybe this holiday will have a little more importance this time around.

In closing, I guess all I really have to say is good people will find good people. And I know my heart.

to be free

Weather's changing. I'm not. I wish I was just one person.. inside and out. Sometimes I wish I stood for something. But really I just am. I simply exist. More or less, in the end I suppose it doesn't really matter. For now I'm happy just letting that last cigarette burn out on the balcony, ridding the house of cat fleas, and wondering how in the world there's no soda or beer left in the fridge.

Is there really a need for a more complex meaning to my being? I believe that I am more than enough to the people who I love. And that nobody can ever know everything. There's more out there than we know.. and it seems like every time I tease my brain with that little piece of paper I just want even more to discover every little thing this world has to offer. So what will I do?

I probably won't go back to school. I won't become a guidance counselor or do anything of worldly significance. Because to me, that's not enough. Sure, we need people to contribute to society or it's going to collapse. But I believe I'll spend the rest of my life searching, discovering, and pouring my heart into finding what my soul is yearning for. Most likely I'll spend the rest of my life wandering from place to place, because I don't need a place.. and I don't want one. I want to be free.. like my soul. And I will be.

Get me.

The ground was moving like the ocean. My eyes couldn't find their place. And that's when I realized you're not the one for me. Because you would never see the world the way I was seeing it. If it's all in my head, that's ok but it's still real.. even if it's only real to me. It's not what you said that hurts me so badly, but the fact that I have no feelings or response in return.
But we all have to take what we're given and turn it into something. I haven't found out what I want and the only time I thought I was close to figuring it out was when I was in a completely different world. I know that I don't want you. You hinder my mind and my spirit. I know that what I want is unobtainable but I'll probably spend my life trying anyways. I know someone will get me.. and it will be worth it.