I don't want to hurt anyone

But when nothing's secure, you have to look out for yourself first.

Maybe I'm just too optimistic when it comes to people. Or maybe I just over-evaluate everything. What we do doesn't always reflect who we are. Obviously, our actions are sometimes just reflections of our present motives, our wants at the current time- not always long-term. And who am I to withhold forgiveness from anybody considering everything?

I wish it could be simpler and we could all live and love in peace, sharing the resources that we have, all playing our part in helping each other. But it seems like everytime I get close to having that sort of a life, people start getting really lazy really fast. I suppose people who are willing to take and take until there's nothing left are people who have no shame. You'll never get anything back. And it seems like a time when commitment to love and even friendship is nearly non-existant. I'm so lucky to have someone who loves me, and somebody who shows it.

Right now I should be really happy. I'm making better choices for myself, beginning an apprenticeship in piercing next Monday, and for the first time in my life I'm with somebody who I absolutely adore in every way possible. And I will be completely satisfied with my life once I get this mess out of the way.

Establish yourself. Find your way. And don't stand in mine.

good people

So, times are changing. And for the better, I suppose. But you never really know. When you open yourself up and are exposed to new things I guess the risk of getting hurt or disappointed increases. But maybe I just got tired of using that as an excuse. Life changes and I change with it.

Spending some time away from Columbia really helped me to get my mind together. It's hard to do that when you're constantly surrounded.

Lately there have been a lot of people around my home and I love it. It's nice to just live life and have friends around. Cameron has pretty much moved in and Clayton's here a lot of the time. Erica's in Manning packing her stuff to come live here in the "cave" which is apparently just gonna be a bunch of tapestries hanging in my dining room area. We don't use the space anyways so we might as well put it to good use.

I've also been realizing how completely shitty some people are.. people who I used to respect and love. Some people just can't be trusted and it's not my responsibility to take care of everybody. That's one thing I'm so glad I opened my eyes to. I have to focus on what I need to do and stop trying to put others first, cuz in the real world that just doesn't work. If you've got you, you're alright.

I'm really looking forward to spending some time with my family this thanksgiving. I don't do enough of that and I feel like now that I provide for myself, I can see how hard it is. And I really don't see how they did it for 18 years. I know they just want what's best for me but I am my own person and I'm very definitely an individual when it comes to my family. No matter what happens though, a lot of my happiness depends on whether or not they are proud of me. And I know that lately they're not. Maybe this holiday will have a little more importance this time around.

In closing, I guess all I really have to say is good people will find good people. And I know my heart.

to be free

Weather's changing. I'm not. I wish I was just one person.. inside and out. Sometimes I wish I stood for something. But really I just am. I simply exist. More or less, in the end I suppose it doesn't really matter. For now I'm happy just letting that last cigarette burn out on the balcony, ridding the house of cat fleas, and wondering how in the world there's no soda or beer left in the fridge.

Is there really a need for a more complex meaning to my being? I believe that I am more than enough to the people who I love. And that nobody can ever know everything. There's more out there than we know.. and it seems like every time I tease my brain with that little piece of paper I just want even more to discover every little thing this world has to offer. So what will I do?

I probably won't go back to school. I won't become a guidance counselor or do anything of worldly significance. Because to me, that's not enough. Sure, we need people to contribute to society or it's going to collapse. But I believe I'll spend the rest of my life searching, discovering, and pouring my heart into finding what my soul is yearning for. Most likely I'll spend the rest of my life wandering from place to place, because I don't need a place.. and I don't want one. I want to be free.. like my soul. And I will be.

Get me.

The ground was moving like the ocean. My eyes couldn't find their place. And that's when I realized you're not the one for me. Because you would never see the world the way I was seeing it. If it's all in my head, that's ok but it's still real.. even if it's only real to me. It's not what you said that hurts me so badly, but the fact that I have no feelings or response in return.
But we all have to take what we're given and turn it into something. I haven't found out what I want and the only time I thought I was close to figuring it out was when I was in a completely different world. I know that I don't want you. You hinder my mind and my spirit. I know that what I want is unobtainable but I'll probably spend my life trying anyways. I know someone will get me.. and it will be worth it.

that little heart necklace

Where were you while I was waiting for you? You know everything I said is true. I never stopped thinking about it. Words are useless at this point. Your skull is about as tough as my heart. You know I have a big heart. You know I saved it for you.

Where have you been? I see you all the time now. There was a time when I would have given anything for that. Every little fiber in my body is on end every time I think we might get a chance at that again. You know I've been waiting. You know we're perfect.

Love, me.

Dear...,

Do any of you even miss me? Honestly.. all the hours I poured into our friendships.. all the conversations that seemed as if they'd go on forever. The trust we put in each other. We prayed over our every struggle. We held each other. We talked about God then. And we walked with him too.

I saw you all not so long ago. Seems as if I'm the only one who's really changed. It's sort of sad in a way. Because if I were to come back, I doubt you'd even take me. And once you did, you would probably never listen to a thing I said. Because I'm a hypocrite. And a sinner.

Intolerence. Many people say Christianity is a religion of intolerence. But I think that it doesn't really matter what people think anymore. All I know is I miss you guys. I didn't think I would.. but I do. All of you.

Love,
Me.

i'm sorry and thank you.

Before anything, I'll give an overdue apology. You know who you are.

I'll stop saying I'm a victim of circumstance and take full responsibility for my actions. I'm sorry I hurt you. It wasn't your fault and you were enough. You were more than enough and I took you for granted. It was a confusing time, as if that matters at all. You deserved better anyways. But you should know that I did love you and for those four weeks, I felt like luck was finally on my side. For those four weeks, thank you.

A lot has changed since the last time I took the time to sit down and write.

Since then, I have hurt a lot of people. But mostly I've hurt myself. I let my own wants and needs take over, and in order to obtain what I deemed neccessary I was willing to do whatever. And in doing so, I was able to move into an apartment with Jessica and pretty much party every day. But I lost more than I gained. I lost the respect of family and friends, some friends altogether, any interest whatsoever in helping others before myself, and religion as well. But mostly I lost respect for myself.

As far as depression goes.. let's not even go there.

I met someone named Russell about a month ago. He doesn't drink, smoke, party, or anything but he's a hard worker with a big heart and he'll show you as much respect as you show him. Not many people inquire on my past and considering most people who were in it didn't make it to the present.. I don't usually have need to discuss it. Well, he did.

So I told him. And I remembered how I used to be. Genuinely happy, in love with the world. He helped me to get back to that point. He helped me see that I could find another job and I would be so much better off doing so. And that's exactly what I did.

And I can't wait to see how this plays out..

what a life..

Yesterday was quite possibly one of the longest days of my life. Also probably one of the most confusing.

I woke up to a house full of people who had spent the night after a party at my house with waaaay more beer than people. The night before, everyone was drunk. At one point Dingman and I used my nephew's kiddie pool as a boat in my pool and sang the "I'm on a Boat" song. A guy was running around butt-ass naked, somebody changed my desktop background to Brokeback Mountain, my screen door probably popped out about 10 times from intoxicated people falling or walking through it, I think I tripped over my dog more than that because she wouldn't leave my side - Josh saved her quite a few times from the brunt of my drunk stumbling, and the morning after, there was definitely a mess to clean up.

After I woke up I made breakfast with Matt Dempsy- probably the most delicious salami-cheese eggs ever. Maybe the only salami eggs ever. And somebody was generous and decided to leave a 24oz. of budweiser in my fridge. Beer and eggs. :)

And then last night was amazing.. and confusing.. I'm always confused. But I'm also falling. I heard those go hand in hand. And I'm ok with that. But I won't let it lose it's meaning. Even if that only makes sense to me.

Inevitable?

I miss the days I shared with all of you. We slept wherever and partied every day. We were a family. What happened to our family? I miss you guys.

God, I miss those days.

Roll over, baby..

Look at me.

I'm taken under by a wave.. a beautiful wave of blue and green, accented by the most vibrant angel white. And for a second, I dare not even look.. because when I'm under I can't breathe. Drowning in your eyes and melting in your arms.

Sinking into the ocean, you're above me now. You pull me up to you. And nights like this are why life is worth living. It's why I keep breathing.. to know that we have the ability to feel this way when our world is crashing down around us.

Look at me.
Bring on the end of the world.

fail.

So Laura came up today from Charleston to get a puppy.

We went to the flea market and she got a little poodle. Then we brought it to the river, lit up, layed out, and decided on our matching tats. Pretty good day. Until I suddenly came to the realization that I left my wallet in her car while we were hanging out and she drove all the way back to Charleston before I realized it was gone. So tonight I'll be driving down to the beautiful city to get it back.

It's cool, though. Aleks and Junior are going to accompany me in my car, which I finally paid off. Party ride.
Should be a good time.

sometimes..

you meet really cool people. Sometimes you meet one genuinely good person that makes you reconsider if humans are all bad. I met one of those people Thursday at a random dance party at NBT. And he absolutely makes my little heart melt.

Last night I realized that I was happier in a house partying with a bunch of people I didn't know (amazing people, by the way) than I've been in a while. We drank, we smoked, played beer pong, and sat on the screened in porch talking, went to Sonic and sat with Josh W. in his truck for over an hour talking about life in general. I listened to his music, ate a burger (which he paid for- nice for a change. I'm always paying for my own stuff.) Then we went back to the house and partied the rest of the night. And at the end of the night he walked me back to my car.

It was a good time. Life can be ok sometimes.

Today is my dad's birthday and my whole family will be over tonight. Jason, my sister's fiance, is cooking steak (cuz he's a champ), and my mom made her famous (at least famous in our family) lemon poundcake. Which is the best thing in the world to come home to when you're munching out, by the way. I'm just enjoying spending time with them. I don't do that enough anymore.

New Tattoo

I was clawing his arm while the most frustrating sound was resounding between my ears. I'd been waiting what seemed to be forever and it was finally time. It hurt so bad but felt so good. Like a knife dragging good electricity through my skin. And I looked in his eyes. Those deep blue eyes always brought me some kind of peace. I knew him once. He was home to me.. and love.

To find love again

To know love..

Take only what you need from me.

between here and there.

My words are weak.
But my heart is strong.

Useless drunken late-night apologies. My compliments and all of my promises are as good as acid. At this point, I'd do anything. But when I can hardly even make out what's around or in front of me, what in the world am I doing looking back? Surround me in yourself and even if I am to suffocate I swear I won't say a word. Speak truth to my soul- so I will know it's there.

The house.. seems like that's the only thing on my mind lately. I have enough money now and it's definitely happening. No doubt about it. So if anybody has any furniture they don't need hit up one of us- me, Laura, or Jessica.

I miss having a safe place. Safe arms.
I want a relationship with somebody who I can relate with.
And I want it to last.

Standing there with nothing on..

I've learned that people can turn on you in a second.
And that you learn the most about yourself when they do.

Life is changing and that's alright with me. You don't have to respect what I do, just respect who I am. And if you're not going to respect that I definitely don't want you in my life anyways. I mean.. you can say all you want but guess who's not going to have loans to pay back when she gets out of school? Guess who's going to have a house with amazing roomates that she can relax at all day if she wants to? Guess who's going to have awesome parties and tons of tequila in the fridge at all times?

Don't try to apologize now.. you said what you meant.
And don't come knocking on my door when I'm living there.
I swear, don't do it.

melt my little heart.

I'm growing. I'm learning. I'm changing.

I need to clean my car out today.
And my room.
And go see my sister.

You know how Bob Marley had like 20 different species of bugs in his hair?
I feel like I have 20 different people inside of me. And they really need to get out.
That's what she said.

I don't need a relationship.
I got my friends and that's all I need.
Yeah, I'm alright without the heartbreak.

I just had a chicken salad sandwich.
It was absolutely delicious.
Or as my dad said, "Word to your sandwich."

Moving out soon.
Gonna sit right out on my front lawn.
Sipping a beer and waving at the 5-0.

Making lots of money lately.
And I don't really care if you don't like my job.
Cuz I'm still making bank.

And I don't give a rat's ass what you think. :)

Mary Jane

I didn't cry. I said I wouldn't. I said they'd never see me cry.
That's why I didn't cry. Breakups suck.. especially when you really saw yourself with that person for a long time. When you thought everything was going great. And then bam.

But I'm not gonna write a whole blog about break-ups. Actually ironic enough for those of you who are close enough to me to know the situation, tonight I write about marijuana, weed, bud, or as I prefer to call it mary jane.

I am proud to say that I believe in the legalization of marijuana.

The government has no right to regulate what goes into my body. That is my choice. Especially when what I'm consuming is not harmful to my body. Obesity kills millions every year but the government has no right to regulate our food intake. I'm not a dimwit. I know that we don't need to smoke marijuana in order to survive- though it does make it easier- and food is a necessity but if that's your argument what about..

Alcohol. Legal to buy and consume by anyone age 21 or older yet there are hundreds of thousands of deaths every year attributed to alcohol.

How many record deaths are attributed to marijuana? 0.

Don't be brainwashed. If the government's concern for our safety was one of the core considerations in the "war on drugs" would that make any sense? 40% of all deaths due to accidental falls, 45% of all deaths in automobile accidents, and 60% of all homicides are attributed to alcohol.

The main reason, I honestly believe, why the government has yet to legalize marijuana is because they are making more money as is. For instance, if marijuana is illegal and somebody is charged with possession of it, they will go to court. Usually, because it is more socially acceptable than it used to be, and depending on the state, you will get off with community service and a large fine. Whereas if the government were to legalize marijuana, there would be no way to tax it.

Alright, that's all I have to say about that.
No, I have a lot more to say but that's all I can say for now.
Goodnight. Smoke on.

As of late..

I'm a simple person. I don't have a lot of nice, fancy words for you. All I have is this. My words. And they aren't brilliant. And if I tried to make them out to be I swear it would be a lost cause.

So here I am. This is my story.
As of late anyways..

My name is Julie. I'm not that pretty but I'm pretty easy to figure out. I don't usually have much of anything interesting to say, but I love to talk. And I love to listen. I'm as loyal to you as you are to me. I like to party.. a lot. I don't have many talents. People think I sing pretty well and I have a good time doing it. I'm good at partying. I like to think and say that I'm a fairly nice person but in all honesty most people probably wouldn't consider me one. When it comes to my friends, I'm as understanding as they come.. but when it comes to a stranger all it takes is a couple words to get me riled up.. and I will fight. I have and I will.

Sometimes I wish it were easier for me to cry but my body just doesn't produce tears most of the time unless I feel like I've lost something near and dear to me. If I get angry.. I want to hit something. I wish the peace sign I stuck to my car could be more than just a magnet to me and the one I wear around my neck; more than just a piece of jewelry. Josh stole that peace magnet for me. Aleks stole the diamond. And I stole the brass knuckles. Theives. I'm a theif.

Recently I met a bunch of people.. and they've changed my life forever.

Six months ago, to the date, I was laying in my dorm room.. alone. I had been without company or food for a week. I felt like I was dying- and maybe I was. I was alone in another country. I thought I had it all figured out. I had been dating a guy for a while and it was serious. I thought eventually I would marry him. I moved there- mostly for him. I told my parents it was for college.

There I was- laying in my dorm room. No company, no food, and I was sure I had lost my soul as well somewhere along the way.. I had no tears. It wasn't the emotion that killed my soul- but the lack of it. I had left all my friends and family and everything I knew at home for him. And he broke me. I swore he never would, but he did. In my effort to continue with a normal life in a country where I was literally completely alone, I found a friend. He was what most would consider to be an attractive man- tall, dark hair, light eyes, a smile that lit up the room, and he had the greatest sense of humour I've ever known. But I wasn't attracted to his looks or humour or anything really. I found a friend in him. He listened. He was there. And that's all I needed.

His name was Brad. He would bang on my dorm room window with a rain pipe.. every night he did this. I don't know if anyone really knew how close we were- how we would sit on the school's rooftop and drink malibu rum right out of the bottle in the freezing cold and we would talk about everything. Every last thing on our minds. He was the only guy who ever held me to keep me warm waiting in line and yelled "I swear she's not my girl! This is my sister!!" And I mean yelled. I loved Brad.

Monday, October 6th, 2008 Brad committed suicide by train. Those same tracks we drank by- the ones we walked and the ones where a friendship was formed. He was all I had. And what a loss to the world. What a loss to his friends and his family. And all I had was lost. And I was alone and ready to die. I walked those tracks the next day. It rained all day.. and the sun.. it was completely covered until the evening when the sun set. And it was the most glorious sunset you'd ever see. In the plains of rural Manitoba, Canada.. it was glorious. The sky cried on us. And then the sun set for him.

I stayed there until mid-December. When I came home I was completely changed. I was literally emotionless. And I wanted nothing more than to feel something again- to feel love, joy, happiness. But all I could feel was anger and bitterness. This affected every area of my life. I couldn't find any man attractive, I couldn't say I love you to my parents and mean it the same, and I couldn't even hang out with the people I used to hang out with because their God was no longer my God.. and that changed everything with them.

In all honesty the ones who are the strongest are the ones who can push past life's trials and come out with the ability to love and give and be themselves... and if that's the case, then my fighting is just a means of proving that I have at least some amount of strength. That's honesty.

March 6th I decided I needed to do something. I called Jessica York. This girl changed my life. I met up with her and she had four guys with her- Josh Bosworth, Aleks Goodson, Cass Brazell, and Zach Biggs. Through these people I met an amazing group of people that have changed my life for the better. Josh Bosworth is my boyfriend. Aleks Goodson is my freaking best guy friend. And Cass Brazell and Zach Biggs are like brothers to me. I wish I knew how to put all of this better. I wish I had more important words. But this is it. I have amazing friends- and they're my family pretty much.

I'm slowly remembering how to feel the good emotions again and I'm learning how to embrace them instead of pushing them away. I'm learning that not everybody has bad intentions and some people actually do care about me. I'm learning how to be alive again each and every day. You caught me at the most confusing, most intriguing, and most alive time of my life. Please don't let me go.

This is me- as of late.